How Mom dealt with grief

While going through Mom's "stuff" Dad came across a journal that had just a few entries. The original entry was right before my (Justin) third birthday and dealt with the loss of my twin brother Joel. Although it had been three years, Mom's memory of that day was still very much alive. Mom's words mean a lot to me as this was a subject we rarely discussed. I'm not very open with my feelings about anything really and Mom would breach the subject occasionally but we never discussed this in depth. I imagine her sweet soft voice in my head when I read this. I was trying to decide if I should leave anything out but I'd rather just post her thoughts in entirety.

February 7, 1985
The bittersweet experiences in life are a special learning and growing time. We have a choice not in the situations themselves but in how we react to them. As we trust in God our Father to direct our paths there is a certain assurance in which we can rest. Not that everything will always be exactly what we want it to be or that our dreams will come true but that we can be certain of God’s love and lean on Him. We can dream our dreams and set up some circumstances but God always has His final word. Who are we to change the plan and purposes of God? Life and death and eternity are in His hands. He gives and He takes. Can we manipulate Him? No I think not. Our greatest peace is in following after Him and His commandments.
I have seen life and I have seen death. I have felt the pains to deliver a life. Such an overwhelming joy – 10 fingers, 10 toes – soft fuzzy baby flesh. A soft cry, such bright lights and oh such a big world for one so small. (Where’s mama? Where’s my dark little hideaway and my companion to cuddle with. Help! I was forced from my place of security. The cord has been cut, my life line. I want my Mama.)
I have felt the pain to deliver another life but fear came and fierce pain. Concern and worry reflected off the faces around. Pray, oh please pray. Oh little one please come out. I want to count your 10 fingers and 10 toes. To feel your warm flesh next to mine. You have been a dream come true. How can it be that my dreams seem to be crumbling around me? I want you little one. Your brother is waiting, please join us. Pain grows stronger but life is not produced. I beg for prayer. I sense a disappointment, a knowing with in. Life will not come, and inability to come. Pain intensifies and then a dreamless sleep. Where am I? I open my eyes. How is the baby – he didn’t make it. He didn’t make it?? How can that be? He was mine! He grew within me. I felt his kicks, his summersaults, his wrestling with his brother. He’s gone? I can’t believe it. We prayed; begged, asked, beseeched. Somehow my dream is deflated. I have one dear little life ready t o grow but yet I want the other. I feel cheated. Tears are falling freely around, but I am yet stunned. A question. Do I want to see the life that became death? The 10 little fingers and 10 little toes that will never wiggle. Oh yes, no hesitation. He is still mine. A delicate bundle of love, eyes closed in eternal sleep. I touch his warm cheek. Oh please open your eyes dear little one, please live. I long to hold that dear body to my breast, to give him life. I lack in strength to rekindle that breath of life. They take my little Joel Roy – goodbye, goodbye I breathe out. I will see you in heaven with my Jesus. We will miss you so deeply. We had many great plans for you. I will no longer dream in double. You are only a body now to be taken and planted in the ground. You flesh loses the warmth I have given you. We no longer share life. I rejoice in the life of my Justin, his warm flesh comforts me in my grief but yet there is an ache. In His time, He makes all things beautiful…but how about my time, my dreams? His peace answers me …In His time, death will bring life. Life produced by death carries no bitterness, but a sweet fragrance. Though the bud was never unfolded and produced a full bloom, the fragrance has remained.
Nearly 3 years have passed since that time. Days, weeks, months have flown by. I was never more excited in my life when Dr. Ben Garza heard more than one heart beat. Twins a dream come true. I knew there was a possibility but to actually happen to me, what excitement! I danced the awkward jig that only a 7 month pregnant woman can dance. The sonogram on Feb 12, 1982 proved what we knew. Two babies developing within me. Now I understood the long period of morning sickness, the discomfort – double trouble, double pleasure, double fun. I read everything I could about twins – books, articles, I talk twins, dreamed about twins, thought about twins – told everyone I knew that I was going to have twins, I pictured myself pushing a twin stroller – nursing twins – time passed by swiftly and on March 11 I knew my time was close. Barney playin a B-Ball tournament came home about 11 and said “Don’t you dare have those babies tonight.” Well I let him sleep til 6:00. I awoke with a start! The bed was soaked – My water broke! We called the folks and Barney showered took a picture of me. What a belly!
Dad arrive first, Mom a minute later. Dad was afraid Mom was too slow. We took off for the hospital. My window wouldn’t close, so Barney was going slow. I was cool and calm by in active hard labor – I encouraged Barney to go just a little faster. He thought he had plenty of time because I was so calm! We hurried to OB ward – I told the nurses I was having twins and that I have babies very fast so call Dr. Ben. Of course the nurses, creatures of habit, had to check me out and then hurriedly called Dr. Ben. I wanted pillows for support but all they came up with is a bassinet mattress. It was frustrating but I didn’t have time to get up a fuss about my discomfort. Next time I’ll bring my own. Sure! They wheeled me in to deliver and after a few good pushed Justin “popped” out. What a joy. He was born at 6:59. I was ready to go again but the situation changed. After waiting a little we found that Joel changed his mind about birth. He circled past the birth canal and stretched sideway. His heart rate was getting difficult to pick up. Dr. Ben tried to change his position but couldn’t, a limp arm appeared at one time. I could read the concern and frustration in the faces around. We worked for a while and decided to do a C-section. In the hallway Dr. B told Barney he didn’t have much hope for the baby. The nurses asked me if I wanted to be fixed in order not to have anymore babies. I thought that was awfully thoughtless and inconsiderate of them. That is no time to press a woman for a decision. I was having such hard contractions- I couldn’t wait till they put me out. They said I came to in recovery and asked about the baby but I don’t remember that. I remember waking up and Barney crying by my bed. Joel died in delivery. What a terrible disappointment. Barney was crushed. Why me God was his cry. They showed Joel to me wrapped in a blanket. Such a beautiful little guy the only thing missing was his breath. It tore my heart when they took him away. I was constantly reminded of twins for the next 2 weeks. The nurses were twins; there were twins in the nursery, twins in the Dr’s office and twins at the health center. What a reminder. Time has past and now Justin will soon be celebrating his 3rd year of life. When we ask him where his brother Joel is, he points upward and says in heaven with Jesus. That is our hope and joy, to one day see our brother and son in heaven.
May 20, 2005
I read again my words expressed on paper and tears once again fill my eyes and wash over my face. I do miss my baby – time doesn’t really heal…I still feel his flesh – the pain, the disappointment, the grief – the empty arm – both should have held a son. Over 23 years have passed – Justin is a fine young man – he fills my heart with pride.